It takes two baybayy

Hello there again! I hope you enjoyed my first post, from here on out I’ll try to mix things up a little bit. I’m going to give you the past few days in review and try not to get too long winded! Who knows I might throw in some more tid bits here and there but I’m still new to this blogging thing and trying to figure out where I fit into this blogosphere and where I want things to go. Okay well I worked from home on Monday and the hubs and I went to Glory Days for a post birthday Happy Hour to watch the Monday night football game. It was Giants Vs Lions (I’m a patriots fan so you can stop reading right now if that offends you). Full disclosure here: I’m in a fantasy football league with my husband and some of our friends. I’m the only female in the league and last year I did HORRIBLY despite honestly having a pretty good lineup. We just finished week one with the games last night in which I had two players (Victor Cruz on the Giants and Larry Fitzgerald on the Cardinals) in play. They’re normally awesome players mind you best yesterday? They each only get me TWO POINTS! Needless to say I lost my game this week. My team is where good player’s careers come to die.

Another important note, while blogging and working from home yesterday (Monday) I had the show “The League” on all day in the background. That show makes me want to be amazing at fantasy football and gosh just makes me want to learn more about all the individual players. Super crude show. Also super funny if you like that sort of thing. But I’ll say it’s not for the sensitive type as it’s a bit… UH let’s say ‘out there’. But I love it! This is what I get for growing up with only brothers… Some guy like tendencies and sense of humor.

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Okay enough about that… SO back to Happy Hour… I was not a very good healthy example at Happy Hour! I had two tall Angry Orchards (Gluten Free Apple Cider) on tap (they were only $3.99! Too good to pass up!) and I decided to splurge since it was my birthday and on my birthday the craziest thing I ate was freaking SUSHI. Which yeah, not so crazy besides the rice and sugar they put in the rice mixture. But I digress…. At happy hour we went with some boneless grilled wings (I’m sure the sauce had some sugar and crap in it) off the gluten free menu and I got a USDA Prime Beef and Bacon Burger on a Gluten Free bun with a side of steamed veggies. No condiments and no cheese. Now normally I’m SO good about being grain free. But again back to the whole wanting a birthday splurge thing, so I got a GF bun damn it! Now here’s where it really gets bad… We got a Gluten Free Chocolate Torte for dessert. Yes I know haters gonna hate, but it was quite yummy! You know what the funny thing is though?

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I had so convinced myself that I was missing out on these things that I wasn’t eating that I thought having moderately SAFER or healthier versions of them would make me happy. In reality while eating them I realized that I would’ve been just as happy if not happier with a damn lettuce wrap. I also would’ve been totally happy not having the dessert. I’m not taking back the drinks though, those I enjoyed the hell out of to the last drop.

But I ended up feeling gross. My body physically felt gross because I ate lord only knows how many shitty things for me in those dishes, but then there came the guilt. The ‘why the hell did I do that to myself?’ I know feeling guilt about food is wrong, but my relationship with food is oh so complicated. I currently have an amazing relationship and control over my healthy food. My paleo/primal/ REAL FOOD lifestyle is awesome. I’m super happy with it honestly, despite the occasional frustrations and the fact that I’m still getting to know my body and working out the kinks it does make me happy living this way.

That being said I’m not over feeling guilt when I “cheat” on my ‘diet’ (I hate calling it a diet). For me “cheating” can even mean having something sweeter than a green apple or a green tipped banana (from 21DSD). I have hormone problems that I THINK are related to insulin, and my thyroid, therefore I try to avoid sugar in every way shape and form. I also take some supplements but I'll go into that another time. I feel good when eat this way. Sometimes I honestly don’t know the difference. But I know when I eat something sugary I feel bad which tells me something.

Then of course there are the breakouts. Possibly for me the MOST frustrating part of my “cheats”. It’s frustrating to see people being extremely unhealthy but having perfect skin. That’s literally 99% of the people I encounter in life. I love those people (at least the ones I know) but man! How annoying is that!? What I wouldn’t give to just have clear skin WHILE being healthy and making good choices. Sometimes the bodies we’re given feel like a freaking curse. But in other ways I know that I’m super blessed with my body. Who knows, if it wasn’t acne than maybe I would struggle with something else? Who’s to say really…?

Regardless this went in a direction I didn’t initially intend! One last note on my complicated relationship with food and why I like to describe it as complicated. If you remember from my previous post, I’m a ballet dancer on the inside. I may not dance regularly currently but there’s no getting that out of your system. I had YEARS of constant dieting in unhealthy ways and still never feeling good enough. I had years that I just knew I was huge (I wasn’t actually) but I couldn’t get over that. I’m glad to be in a better, healthy place now but there’s still a little person inside who’s terrified of getting fat. These things take time to heal and I’ll get there.

Sheesh I wanted a lighthearted post talking about just how much fun I genuinely had with my husband at happy hour (and boy did I have fun) but this took a different turn. Eating what I did was a liberating experience because realized that I’m NOT missing out. I’m making the decisions I want to make and they’re good ones. I’m doing what’s best for me and I don’t need to justify this to people, nor do I need their approval to eat what I know is best for me. I don’t need the crap in general. Period.

So my fictional readers, today appreciate your diet. Whether it be healthy or maybe not so healthy. Embrace the fact that we’re here on this earth and we can CHOOSE what we freaking eat. We are privileged as hell to even have information available to us to make good decisions. Don’t be ignorant, do your research. Care enough to think about what you’re putting into your life machine-your body. And just because you “can’t” eat things that others “can” doesn’t always mean you’re deprived. You may surprise yourself and realize that the things you keep wishing you could go back to eating and fanaticizing about… *Hold on make sure you’re sitting down for this one* aren’t actually as magical as you remember them to be. Sometimes, you might not even like them anymore because you KNOW BETTER, and so do your taste buds. And you like better. Hell, you LOVE better. And honestly that’s all we can ever strive to be: better than we were before. Don’t strive for perfection, perfection is in an opinion. Strive for your personal better, strive for forward progress or upward progress, or sideways progress but strive for progress. Live for your happiness, not a happiness defined by anyone OR anything else. Strive for YOU.

Rant over *drops mic and walks off stage*

Xo! Harmony

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