The Opposite of a Blank Space


This may be the first time that I've come to this blog without anything specific to say. It's in times like these that I am reminded of those awkward social situations where you're forced to make small talk with people that, well let's be honest here, you'd rather not talk to. You want to be friendly, and people can be great but this whole process just makes you uncomfortable as hell. For me personally, once I'm comfortable with someone I can be very talkative and I have a lot to say. But I swear it can take me forever to get to that point with people. At one time in my life when I was a youth leader I had sort of "trained" myself to be more outgoing and make better small talk. In a setting like that there's no room to worry about what people think of you and worry about how uncomfortable or awkward you feel because you're instead in a position to SERVE others and therefore your main concern becomes them. You find yourself wondering: Are these kids comfortable and having a good time? I hope I'm helping them feel included and not awkward and uncomfortable". It's too bad though that in this life unused skills tend to dwindle or disappear. Like that saying about dull knives needing to be sharpened regularly in order to be useful or something. I know I butchered that saying but I think you get the idea. Well now I seem to have lost the "small talk" skill. I'm no longer a youth leader, I don't do customer service anymore, and I no longer work in a setting that I have to talk to anyone at all really. All of these facts together make for my dull butter knife social skills. Maybe I'll get them back one day but I'd rather keep my mouth shut and express myself with dance anyway... Okay that was a big ol paragraph about well... Nothing really.

Let's start over... I still have 3 different posts that I've "promised" to you, my imaginary readers. At least as far as I can tally it's 1. The year 2014 in review. 2. Different supplements I take and why. 3. Recipes. Now really I'd like to hear from you on which one you're most interested in but I'm trying to be realistic here, I know I don't really have that kind of following. On another note the thought of typing up recipes doesn't sound very fun to me. I'm the type of cook that either strictly follow a recipe, or I wing it in the kitchen and more often than not things turn out delicious. If you follow my Instagram (which you should @thepaleoballerina) I try to post a lot of my meals there. Again, not recipes but it can give you an idea of how I eat and maybe inspire you to eat healthier (if you don't already, or if the idea seems impossible or daunting). Switching gears again (I swear this is how thoughts flow in my brain... Seemingly random but totally connected in my mind)... I'm anxiously awaiting my follow up appointment with the functional medicine doctor in February to have the results of those blood tests that made me so sick. I'm beyond ready to figure some stuff out and start down a new path of healing.

I was just thinking this morning about FODMAPS. Accoding to Google FODMAPS are: "Fermentable, Oligo-, Di-, Mono-saccharides and PolyolS. They comprise fructose, lactose, fructo- and galacto-oligosaccharides (fructans and galactans), and polyols (such as sorbitol, mannitol, xylitol and maltitol) that are poorly absorbed in the small intestine." Essentially FODMAP intolerance means that your body is incapable of digesting or absorbing certain fructose that is present in many fruits and veggies including but not limited to: avocado, cabbage, garlic, onions- and the list goes on and on. Anyway the reason I bring this up is because I was saying to myself while driving to work "Self, you could not handle giving up garlic-which is probably my favorite seasoning ever- or most FODMAPS. You already have a super restricted diet and most of the FODMAP items are foods you eat all the time. You're not even using black pepper right now... You love black pepper!". Then I realized that I also at one point in time thought that I could "never give up sugar" or "never go paleo" or "never do AIP" or never not eat pasta or cheese or BREAD again. But I did it. And I continue to do so every damn day. I have accomplished all of these tasks DESPITE my negative self talk at one point in time saying that I couldn't.

Then it hit me: I can do and survive anything. Now I don't mean that in a crazy I could jump off a bridge and be just fine kind of way but I mean that any obstacle I come across I sure as hell am always going to do my best to fight and over come it. Does that mean that this road to health and recovery has been easy? HELL NO. Does it mean that I haven't strayed from my healthy ways here and there? HELL NO. Does the fact that I'm not perfect and this shit is really hard and frustrating SOMETIMES mean that I'm going to give up? NEVER. Honestly this lifestyle IS sustainable. It takes time to get used to and it's an investment in yourself but once you're on the straight and narrow for awhile, the thought of tarnishing all your hard work just isn't that appealing. Yes my health isn't perfect and I'm working hard to fix my crazy endocrine (hormonal) system I still see the results. One day when I gather the courage I'll do a post about my skin and how I've worked through all of the trouble and torment it's caused me... It's tough for me to show some of the pictures and make myself so vulnerable but if it will help someone then I'm willing to do it. (Lookie here I'm promising another future post... I'll get to em eventually). No matter how clear my skin is I don't think I'll ever consider myself as someone without acne. More like I'm someone who's skin is under control at the moment. And I'm not going to lie, right now I'm in a pretty good place with my skin but it is SUCH a delicate balance and I have by no means mastered it yet because it's a never ending process! Just like the road to health. It's not a destination but rather a journey and a process to stay in balance.

Back to where I was originally going with the whole functional medicine doctor thing... Depending on what my blood tests say -even if the news is the opposite of what I want to hear- it'll be okay. I'LL BE OKAY. So believe me when I say that we are all so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for, and if you want to achieve something then by all means try your best to make it happen, I know that I'll continue to do so. And who knows you just might succeed, so don't give up!

One final thought to leave you with... I've been dreaming a lot more recently. Maybe it's part of this AIP Whole 30 thing (today is day 18 btw *happy dance*) but I had a dream last night that I ate a Big Mac. Let me take a second to mention that in my former unhealthy life I never really liked Big Macs. I was always more of a dollar menu girl, or better yet a Burger King Whopper kinda girl. Also yesterday while scrolling someone's "paleo" Instagram I saw a picture of a McDonald's breakfast sandwich that someone ate (YUCK). I don't know if any of that is relevant to this dream but I thought you should be fully informed. Okay back to the dream. After eating a few bites of the Big Mac I then proceeded to FREAK OUT because I had eaten gluten. Like I went into straight panic mode as if I was going to die or something. That was the rest of the dream. Me freaking out from gluten exposure and being in disbelief that I had eaten something so evil as a Big Mac. HAHAHA even thinking about it now makes me legit smile, my brain is so silly sometimes. I have no clue what it meant or if it had any meaning at all but dreams fascinate me in more ways than one. In my conscious dreams I  dream of one day not working a desk job and being able to follow my passion full time. OH and more tangibly I dream of gaining the courage to do some ballet auditions. Makes me super nervous just thinking about it but I know I have to overcome that if I want my dreams to become a reality. So please keep dreaming my friends and never stop.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.... Man I wish it was Friday instead of Thursday and I wasn't sitting here at work... Shhh I didn't say that... Yay Thursday!

xoxo - Harmony

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