I have a really good habit of wanting to write a blog post and even going as far as starting it, then not finishing or posting it until much later. I've talked about this before, it's no surprise! This is why I'm sometimes inconsistent. Once my inspiration passes I just don't have the heart to post it! I currentlyI have a HUGE queue of blog posts lined up. As I think of things randomly I just add them to this master blog post list. Someday they'll all get done! They will happen because I love blogging and honestly I think I've pretty pretty consistent with it recently guys! At least compared to before right?? So there's that.
Okay so when I originally started writing this post it was the day after I went with my husband to work, and it stirred up SO many old memories!
Let me back up for a second though. For those of you who don't know, my husband and I used to work for the same company! Totally different departments etc but same place. Before I worked for THAT company I actually worked for yet another company in that same building. Really I started working in that building at the beginning of 2011. How crazy, that was so long ago now!
Hopefully that helps give you some context as to what going back there meant to me. It was in this building's gym that I attempted to train for the 5k I barely survive (the color run). It was at a desk in this building that I sat and ate candy bars all day and gained 25 lbs. It was also at that same desk that I found out my dog had been hot by a car, I did the Master Cleanse TWICE, started eating Paleo, planned my wedding, lost 25lbs, made a lot of business connections, and learned so much about myself! At a different desk in the same building I created and tested my acne detox protocol, I took a ton of my "before" photos, I suffered from severe self confidence issues, was diagnosed with PCOS, learned much of the knowledge I use everyday, and my skin went all kinds of crazy while working there. It was also at that same desk that I decided to become a Beachbody coach, wrote quite a few of my blog posts, met some of my best friends, and signed my first ballet company contract. So needless to say, this building has seen a lot of my life's big moments. Sheesh, and that's not even all of em!
It's interesting to me how just going back somewhere can trigger so much. We as humans tie so much value to a location that the memories and nostalgia become intertwined with the location itself. Like going back there takes you through some sort of memory portal where you travel back in time.
They say hind sight is 20/20 and that couldn't be more true.
I had SO many feels being back in this building, back in this gym, and back the shoes of a life that was once mine even just one year ago. I ended up camped out in the gym where I had spent SO many FRUSTRATED hours in the past and all I could do was remember, and reminisce, and think about the person I used to be.
As I come up on the one year mark since I quit that job and left the corporate world, I gotta tell yah I am really having all the feels right now. I have been struggling big time the past few months and it has taken me by surprise more than anything else.
I haven't felt like myself. At least not the version of me that I have come to know so well. Most of 2016 has been a fantastic roller coaster so far with big ups and downs and I swear I have enjoyed every minute of it because I have a sense of love and calm and understanding for myself that I have been at peace in a way despite all the madness!
But all of that changed in May. If you read my first blog post from the beginning of June (which ended up being the only time I blogged last month besides some random recipes) I was pumped. Mid May I hit some HUGE BLOCKS in my mind and my career that really messed with me. They weren't technically life altering but when you create a sole focus and concentrate all your effort to achieve it and you're unsuccessful... Well it's not always fun. On June first I sort of went into panic mode which for me often goes hand in hand with mass productivity mode. Any other procrastinators out there feel me?
Anyway, it's that sorts thing where you're like, SHIT!!! IT'S BEEN SIX MONTHS IN 2016! I HAVEN'T ACCOMPLISHED EVERYTHING I WANTED TO, I NEED TO GET MY SHIT TOGETHER!
I was feeling good! Yes a bit like 'OMG I have so much to do!' but it came through in a good and productive way. Well I don't know when that ended but I'll tell yah, it wasn't very far into June before I found myself back where I was mid May - watching TV all day, feeling defeated and under motivated to do anything beyond meal prep, snapchat, and workout. Oh and TV. All of the TV. Like to the point where I couldn't JUST workout with one screen, no... I had to have Netflix or Hulu up on the main TV screen while I had my workout streaming on my little laptop screen. YEAH. I was really in deep.
I know I have talked in the past about my TV addiction, and I honestly try to downplay it because even just the word "addiction" makes me feel like there's somehow something wrong with me. But that's just not really the case and I need to remember that I HAVE to stay honest with myself in order to stay on the straight and narrow. You might think I'm kidding here but I'm honestly really serious. It's a problem!
The main thing is that despite my best efforts, I let my failures get to me.
They became all consuming in my subconscious and I essentially let fear take over without even realizing it. I failed at achieving my goal (which is very far from the end of the world btw) and it dictated over a month of productivity for me. How crazy is that?
I am someone who has let fear run almost her entire life. I try to be strong, and I try to be brave, but more often than not the simplest things freak me the fuck out. It's one of those things about myself that I HATED for years. I hated that I got nervous and got butterflies. I hated that I would get anxious at nothing. I hated that I was this person with no confidence.
But then I realized that it was my choice and I have to own my life.
I learned to replace the HATE with LOVE by constantly changing my internal dialog. Self hate becomes so ingrained in every single piece of your existence that it's all consuming. You don't even realize you're doing it sometimes until you're sitting and writing a blog post and realize that you still kinda feel comfortable with saying "I hate that part of myself."
It's one of those things that I really don;t realize is happening until I'm balls deep in it and realize that I let myself revert! But here's the thing.... None of us are perfect. NONE OF US. And that's OKAY! Everyone has things they struggle with and dislike about themselves. At this point I bet you your mind is pulling up someone you know who is like crazy uber duber confident as an example to why this statement is incorrect. Maybe even a memory is popping into your head of them saying something boastfully like "of course I know I would be great at that, I'm good at whatever I do." and you think, HAH yeah besides so and so.
But I have news for you.... It's often the people who boast the most that struggle with the most insecurities.
Really let that sink in. It's some sort of coping mechanism that we've learned over the years and quite frankly it kind of makes sense and also kind of makes no sense. I think of it as a suit of armor or shield to hide their fears from seeing the light of day.
So next time someone is being obnoxiously annoyingly cocky or stuck up, or over the top confident, first off be happy for them if they really love themselves that much, because that's kind of a huge accomplishment.
Secondly, realize that their boasting is more likely than not coming from a place of insecurity. We humans are the silliest things ever. Think of the little boys who hit little girls on the playground during recess because they like them.... How does that make any kind of sense!? Logically it doesn't, but it's a common behavior that was never taught to these young boys. They're just following their instincts and it's our job to teach the, what is and isn't right.
On the inside we all have a little bit of uncontrollable animalistic survival instincts, (that's a mouthful) and plain ol confusing as hell subconscious coding that is running the show most of the time.
"Lord forgive him... For he knows not what he does"
Part of that unfortunately can be self hate. This is one of those things that is LEARNED and we must learn to fight against. I will say it time and time again, but the very best way for us to challenge our limiting self beliefs is to do things that are as I like to call them "shit your pants scary" which is essentially the worst and best thing ever.
The beforehand part, the anticipation and fear is the worst. Actually doing it.... Well let's be real you're typically in a state of fight or flight riddled with adrenaline that can give you an energy high of sorts for hours to come. It's in the reflection and afterwards that the growth and learning happens.
OMG I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I WAS GOING WITH THIS....
But I just want to say.... Forgive yourself people. It's okay and normal to be flawed! Just work your ass off to be your best self every day! Ditch the guilt you associate with past mistakes and failures because they were all part of your process and journey. Ditch the hatred of this part or that part of yourself because they are part of what make you, YOU and unique. You are valuable, the world needs you, and you are loved. It is okay that you aren't perfect. I repeat, no one is!
I still have a lot of work to do (I feel like I say this too often) but what I know is that something has got to give and something has got to change. I can't keep on going the way that I have been, and it honestly frustrates the HELL outta me when I think about how unlike myself I have been lately. In part I know that this Bikini Competition is to blame, but that's a whole other topic for another time. This is NOT a time for dwelling in the past. It's a time for reflection, forgiveness, and moving forward.
Be strong and remember that no matter how badly you fall down or revert to old ways, there is always space to not only gain back what you've "lost" but you have a unique opportunity to far surpass your previous self. You are older (even if it's just by a day), wiser, and as long as you're willing, you will grow and prosper.
Don't expect to be able to do it alone. I know I wasn't able to this time around. I actually enrolled in a 90 day program and hired myself some coaches who have already helped me immensely: Get It Done Gals
I am so glad that I reached out for help instead of continuing to stew. We all need help, we all need support outside of our friends and family, and honestly we could all use a coach!!! I know it's easy to ask for help and underestimate the power of working with others, but this is powerful stuff. It's the power of human connection and energy that is our life force!
I promise I'm wrapping up.... I'm almost done here but I have just one final thought...
The past is important to reflect upon. It's in our pasts that we can often find the answers to our present and future.
So do tings that make you uncomfortable and challenge yourself daily. Don't let your past own you and dictate who you are today. You have the power. DECIDE who you are and BE that person every single day. No matter who doesn't believe in you, no matter who talks shit, no matter how many haters there are. Be you, be happy, be free. Your life is freaking worth the effort.
Sometimes it would be nice if things were just easier. I find myself thinking this way so often! Like I almost wish the easiest thing in the world wasn't sitting on the couch and watching TV forever. WHY can't the things that are good for us be that easy? Like working out, or avoiding sugar, or deep cleaning, or reading personal development books. Why can't those be the easiest things on the planet!?
I know the answer and you do too.
If they were easy then they wouldn't be the powerful tools that we all need to push our lives forward, They're hard for a reason. They're effective for a reason. They're NECESSARY for a reason. The reason is you. What's hard for me could be easy for you. What's easy for me might feel like the hardest thing for you. That's just life. We need those hard things and they're what make us great!
It still blows my mind that at this time last year I was gearing up to quit my job. Working a 9-5 has been the vast majority of my adult life yet it feels like such a distant memory. It hasn't all been sunshine and rainbows, but I do love my life, and I just need to remember to trust and believe in this process!
I have to go teach PiYo to about 20 teenagers now so I've gotta go! If you made it this far and read all of this then you are freaking amazing and I want you to know that.
Have an amazing week everyone and happy Monday!